


Back to Black

by Blue_Ginkgo



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Falling In Love, Friendship, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, John is a Mess, Lack of Communication, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28196658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Ginkgo/pseuds/Blue_Ginkgo
Summary: Falling for your best friend. Everything is going to work out perfectly if he likes you back. Right?Loosely inspired by Amy Winehouse's wonderful song of the same title.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	Back to Black

He really left no time to regret, huh?

It has been just a week from our breakup, and I can see him right now down the hall, leading his blushing ex to his room. It’s been one of the worst weeks of my life, probably only second to the week right after I told my dad that I was done with his shit, and he had reacted… well, not sympathetically, let’s just say. But still, this has been a horrible week, and while I was furious at Alex before, now I just feel exhausted and miserable.

Things have been off between Alex and me for weeks before last Friday’s fight. He never actually said anything, but I felt it, the way he was starting to feel weighted down in our relationship, the way he was trying and failing to spare some time for _us_. It wasn’t that I ever demanded his full attention 24/7, I swear. I just wanted it to be more or less the same then when we were just best friends, except of course the lack of constant pining, and with the freedom to touch him whenever I wanted to. He already was the center of my days, ever since I met him in our freshmen year – it’s not that I didn’t have other friends, things to do or places to go… It’s just that somehow everything traced back to him, in my mind. But for him, the man with no strings, the lover of freedom, the guy always running out of time, our friendship was the warm and safe place to come back to when the storm outside was raging, and then off to the million things - and people - he hadn’t done yet.

But I knew I was important to him, back then. Even on the busiest days he would text me, send me memes and jokes, sit by my side when we managed to get lunch at the cafeteria with the whole gang, smiling at me with that special grin that said, _Hey Jackie, I can’t wait to tell you..._ And from the very first day, I’ve always been the one who effortlessly got his every meaning and need, the one who made him laugh the hardest and talk the fastest. He told me that, you see, so it’s not like I read too much into our friendship. And besides, more often than not, for all our friends and acquaintances at the campus we were _Alex-and-John_ , linked together even when we weren’t both physically there. For a couple of years, give or take, I had his friendship, and I was content.

Then, out of the blue, after a lazy afternoon spent playing my guitar for him at the foot of his bed, I realized I was in love with him. Walking out of his room that day, an emotional and physical longing struck me so hard that I just couldn’t ignore it. It happened as simply as that, but the consequences of that realization were far from simple. Suddenly, all the things I used to laugh with him about or tease him about, like his random and frequently weird hook-ups, the stupid fights he went into just for the fun of it, or his far-too-ambitious plans for the future started causing me long moments of jealousy and anxiety. I figured that I had to swallow those feelings up, though, in order to keep my place beside him. I knew I couldn’t have him like that, for two reasons.

Number one: he simply didn’t do relationships, hated the feeling of being trapped by anything, or anyone. He told that himself to any of our friends who dared to suggest he tried something a little more committed with his latest conquest. The closest he went to a relationship was his fling with Eliza, back when we all first met the Schuyler sisters. They had been dating (or hooking up, it depends on which of them you’re talking to) for a month or so, when one morning Alex showed up at breakfast with a couple of hickeys on his neck, when he was supposed to have spent the night studying at the library. She left the room crying, Alex staring at her completely clueless. It was only thanks to Angelica that he saw the misunderstanding (they never told each other if they were committed and exclusive), so he apologized and ended it as quickly as possible. Since then, they’ve casually hooked up a few times, when Alex feels particularly down - on top of horny - because _she’s just so sweet and understanding, John_ , and every time Eliza claims she’s perfectly fine with it. I doubt it.

Number two: I couldn’t have him like that, simply because he didn’t want me. I was completely sure of it, since I had been by his side for almost two years; I was his closest friend, his second, his partner in crime, and he never showed any romantic or sexual interest in me (and believe me, I looked hard for those signs). I’ve always been very pragmatic when it comes to analyzing relationship, and I was convinced that the only thing I could do to keep the most incredible person I’ve ever met this close to me, was not to try and get him even closer.

As it always happens, the more you try to suppress your feelings, the stronger they become. And I made it a point to be there for him as much as before because it was a particularly crazy time with school and work for him, and he was almost crumbling under his own expectations and the pressure of it all, and I didn’t want him to feel unsupported just because I couldn’t keep my mind and my eyes from wandering. I stubbornly kept my smile wide in front of my friends, my arms open for Alex whenever he needed me, and thought I could just cope with that.

It turned out I couldn’t. Laf found me one evening as I was sitting on a stone bench in a remote corner of the campus, ignoring the rain that had just started to pour, shivering and crying, unable to respond to his increasingly worried questions. That morning I had spoken to my dad, listened as he threatened to cut the money for my tuition if I didn’t come back home and apologize. Once again, my father had managed to make me feel humiliated, weak and full of doubts with just a few well-crafted sentences. I had been dying to talk to Alex about it, had been waiting for it all day, craving his comfort and advice, but then he texted me that he suddenly found himself busy for the evening – a text with a lot of winking faces – and I just felt so utterly lost.

Laf quietly listened to my sobs for a while, only to ask for the truth right when I was too exhausted to hold back anymore. “I’ve never seen you like this, _mon ami_ , I know it must be something deeper than the usual stuff for you to be so crushed”. So I blurted out the truth: that I had been living with the knowledge that I was in love with Alex for a couple of months and that it hurt to lie to him and not tell him, but that I didn’t want to ruin our friendship and feel rejected, and that I hated to feel so weak and dependent from him. “Calm down, _chéri_ … Are you sure that you don’t want to talk to him? You’d feel better, and his reaction might surprise you. No? Ok, maybe you need to clear you mind, keep your distance for a couple of days and see if you feel the same when you’re not so… high on his presence.”

He was right, I definitely needed some distance, but not just for a few days. I thought that, since I couldn’t change the situation, it would be better for me to disappear for a while, so I came up with a plan. It was one week until my last exam (same as Alex and Laf), so I figured I could leave for South Carolina on the first day of vacation, spend a month or so there and come back to NY in time for the beginning of the next semester, sort of. I was supposed to go on a road trip with the guys, Hammie, Laf and Herc, but I couldn’t bear the idea of it right now. Those last few days of the term we barely had time to eat, so it wasn’t difficult to avoid Alex. Then, finally, the day came.

I woke up early, packed up a few things and, at 7.30 in the morning, I was already putting my bags in my car. I went back to my room to pick up my guitar, but I had to stop halfway down the hall on my way out, the instrument hanging on one shoulder and the laptop bag on the other, when I heard his voice.

“John… what the hell are you doing?”

He was standing at the door of his room, half-asleep and puzzled. Why he was up so early on the first day of vacation, I’ll never know, but there he was, and I couldn’t ignore him and leave without any explanation as I had hoped to do. I tried to tell him that I changed my mind last-minute about the trip, that I wanted to see my siblings, but he immediately saw through my bullshit and started to get more and more upset and loud.

“Shit, Alex, you’re gonna wake up the whole floor.”

He grabbed my arm and pulled me inside his room, shutting the door.

“So? Are you _leaving_? Why does it look like you’re leaving? What’s wrong? You’re hiding something, that’s for sure, otherwise you wouldn’t have sneaked out like this, without telling me, without telling anyone –“

“Laf knows, actually… and so does Herc.” I cut off his ranting, figuring that he would’ve text them very soon and find out that both our friends already knew.

He went still, completely taken aback, and lowered his head. A pang of guilt quickly made me realize that maybe my plan wasn’t really that smart… so much for not hurting him.

“Then why would you leave _me_?”

I almost missed his words, his voice so quiet now, almost quivering. Yeah, people walking out of him weren’t exactly his favorite thing… I remember thinking that he looked so fragile, and that broke my resolve. I couldn’t let him think it was his fault, so I mustered up the courage and told him the truth. I’ve never been a great liar, anyway. Trying to collect myself, and I streamlined two months of torments in a few simple words: I like you, more than I should, and I know you don’t feel the same way, I’d love to go on being your friend but right now I just can’t, so I need some space.

He gave me this _look_ , the look of someone whose world had just unexpectedly shifted… and found his voice again.

“I had… I had no fucking idea, John… I thought… but you never…”

“No, no, no, wait, I’m sorry I put you in this position, it’s really not a big deal, I’ll just go away for a couple of weeks and…”

“No, John, please, don’t leave, just… don’t leave me!” His face was a mask of confusion and distress, desperately trying to find a way to fix this. That kind of reaction unsettled me.

“I want you to stay. I… I want you, Jackie.”

“What are you talking about?” I couldn’t believe my ears, but I didn’t want to fool myself. If he really liked me and wanted me, why didn’t he hint at it before? He was the flirtiest man alive, for fuck’s sake!

“I see it now, think about it, it makes sense! You know there’s nobody in the world I care more about than you…”

“I know, Alex, but that’s not enough and you know it. I like you as in ‘I’d never take my hands off of you’, that’s a bit different…” I snorted, hoping that my words wouldn’t sound too bitter.

“Ah, but you see –” and I saw his attitude changing completely as he got in full ‘the hunt is open’ mode, smirking and coming closer, “– with you, I never thought I had this _option._ With this knowledge, though, things can be very different for us, _you feel me?”_

He was standing impossibly close to me right now; the heat radiating off this body, his hands lightly touching my hips, all of that extremely distracting. A little voice in the back of my mind whispered that of course, he would resort to the easiest way to make me forget everything about leaving. I wanted to know where he stood, though, so I tried to be clear with him.

“Hammie, I see what you’re doing, but listen… I don’t want this to be just for fun, ok? If we change the balance of what we have and take a risk, I need to know if you’re serious as much as I am.”

He backed up, looking at me intently.

“Because I am serious. I… I like you a lot, and I want this to turn into something real, but only if you want the same thing. I’d never force you to commit, to get into something that’s just too much for you. We could stay friends, I’ll totally get it, it’ll be ok.”

I sat down on his bed, not breaking eye contact. I knew he could very well backpedal at this point, but I knew that at least I wouldn’t regret being honest.

“We know each other too well to put up with the whole ‘casual’, ‘friends with benefit’ shit, it just wouldn’t make sense… hell, we’re already freaking close, and as for the sex… I don’t think you need _me_ to keep yourself occupied. I care too much for us to half-ass this, and I think you do, too.”

He stood there in silence for almost a minute, with his eyes closed – a little quirk of his, thinking with his eyes closed only when he tries to forget all about logic.

“I’m in.”

***

Being in a relationship with Alex was like being caught in a hurricane that never stops. His energy, the spark in his eyes were already captivating on their own, but being the main object of his attention and the recipient of most of his actions was truly intoxicating. I felt so high during those first weeks, that just recalling them right now makes me sick with longing.

He jumped in our relationship with enthusiasm and focus, just like he does with every new and exciting project, and seemed determined to discover all the things he still didn’t know about me, from the names of my childhood friends to the best ways to make me come undone. The chemistry between us was amazing, and between his lively sex drive and my excitement at finally being able to do what I had dreamt about for months, we spent a good amount of time in bed. But we were also constantly talking, laughing, bantering, arguing, even, without the fear of crossing boundaries because we were, ultimately, on the same page. I was just so glad to be the one he had chosen to fall asleep with and to confide in, that I felt myself being even more vulnerable and open with him than before. And I saw Alex putting aside his evasive nature and slowly starting to let me in about his past. Every new small detail he chose to reveal was a gift to me. _Was_. Yeah, I don’t see that happening again.

It was summer, too, which added to the whole ‘honeymoon phase’ thing. We were mostly free from school and work, except for Alex’s new part-time job that he started right after we came back to the city from our trip with Herc and Laf. The four of us had a fantastic time together, and even though our friends bitched and moaned about the two of us being constantly over each other, they were happy to see us together.

At the very beginning I caught myself thinking that it was, simply put, too good to be true. How was I to know that he wouldn’t get bored with me as it always happened with the people he hooked up with? Even with Eliza, who was also a friend, he refused to start anything serious. I knew, rationally, that our situation was different, that we had (sort of) discussed it, but still…

Then, a few days into our relationship, after an incredible couple of hours spent memorizing each other’s body in his bed, he said “You know, when we first met it only took me five minutes to start picturing us like this…” He giggled, signaling at our still intertwined legs.

“What? You were attracted to me back then? Then why you’d never…” I automatically started pondering the fact the Alex had never shown any restriction whatsoever in following through this kind of impulses.

“The fact is that… it took me less than one hour to realize how unbelievably in tune we were, how great it was to be around someone who got me so perfectly and still managed to challenge me,” he went on with sparkling eyes, “and when I realized that, the physical attraction just paled in comparison. I had never been around someone who matched me that way.”

“So what, you just switched the attraction off?” I, for one, hadn’t nearly been able to do that…

“Well, I just figured that I’d rather get to know you and keep seeing you than just take you home with me that night.”

I tried not to ask the obvious question, but I failed miserably, too confused at that point. “Why did you feel you had to choose?”

“You know that I don’t…” he hesitated, but I mentally completed his sentence, _I don’t do relationships_ , “but it’s different now. I can do this.” He moved even closer and slowly kissed me. “Trust me.” And I did.

***

How could I ever been able to resist? He had seemed so confident about it… It really looked like it meant the world to him, like _I_ meant the world to him. So how come, after four month or so, that I’m sitting here heart-broken and he’s in his room with his ex? Well, to be honest, Eliza is not exactly his ex since they’d never been in an actual relationship, but she’s like an old safe bet to him, the closest thing to sex and affection mixed together he had in the last two years. Before me, obviously. Shit, the jealousy is _killing_ me. I know he has no intention of building anything with her, and he’s probably making a show of sleeping with her today just to get back at me and prove to the world that he doesn’t need me.

_His fucking pride will be the death of us all_ , usually grumbles Burr after most of his discussions with Alex, and right now I feel he’s right. Alex’s doing this today just to prove a point, because during our fight last week I blurted out that maybe he needs me as much I need him, or even more so, since apparently, he couldn’t bear the idea of me leaving his proximity for a few weeks, at the beginning of this whole mess. His reaction was explosive.

“That’s not true… You’re always there trying to clean up my messes and check if I get dinner or if I sleep at night, but I don’t _need_ it! I have accomplished so much already and I’m just getting started, and I’ve come this far all by myself!”

I had never seen him snap at me like this. The rational voice inside my head told me that he was over-reacting because I’ve touched a sore spot, I should have been prepared. But it felt like a punch in the guts anyway.

“I don’t need you to be so selfless and _good_! Or… or pretend that I didn’t sleep with Maria last week.” He was positively screaming, his face red and tears streaming down his face. “You know what? I don’t need your forgiveness! I’m not gonna owe you, I don’t need you, I don’t need _anyone_!”

Yeah, he cheated. That’s why the discussion started, and sure, finding that out was a true sucker punch, but the words he yelled at me were even worse.

I felt my throat clench and my voice barely made it out. “I… I’m gonna go. I think it’s better if we don’t see each other at least for a while…”

***

Right after the summer break, he basically moved in with me. There wasn’t a reason not to; I didn’t have a roommate and this way we could make the most of our limited shared time. Fitting our schedule together was a challenge: besides classes and homework, there was his part-time job at the library, and the extra papers he was preparing to try and get the internship professor Washington was about to offer, plus my own part-time job at the coffee shop and my volleyball training.

We relished the times when we were in a room together, even if we were just in a class surrounded by people, and we even resorted to a few quickies in the bathroom between classes. We put effort in finding a couple of hours every day to be together. Most of the evenings he was in (which were few, to be honest), I managed to make him take a break from his writing to eat something, take a walk, have sex or just watch some Netflix, and I considered myself satisfied. In the mornings I was in awe of his presence in my bed, his sweet scent surrounding me, lips slightly parted and face relaxed, the little smirk he gave me whenever he woke up and caught me staring; those were the best moments of my days. And he looked happy, too, buzzing with energy but also uncharacteristically untroubled and carefree.

“How is someone so brilliant and amazing like you still interested in me after two months?” We were bundled up on the sofa, pretending to watch a movie.

“You’re such an idiot” he laughed.

“No, seriously… how are you not bored of me yet? Sometimes I just think I’m not enough…”

“Jackie, stop it, ok? You know how much I care about you, you’re gorgeous and smart and funny, and I’m the one who’s scared of fucking up… but we’re doing great, right? Everything’s going great.” It looked like he was talking to himself, but then he gave me his signature grin and started teasingly kissing my neck. No more self-doubts for that night.

***

A few days later, we received some news that caused the first cracks in our careful balance. In hindsight, I see how we weren’t ready for what happened, for the distance and the problems. Alex hadn’t sleep at all the night before, knowing that Washington was due to announce his new interns; he had brought up that internship almost every day for the last four months, since the professor mentioned it in class. It was supposed to help the most brilliant students in Washington’s class to get a foot in the door of the political environment. Alex was guaranteed to get it, I was positive: the professor truly admired him.

Sure enough, halfway through my noon lecture I received a text from Alex: _I got it, SHIT JOHN I GOT IT!!! God I’m so happy, he chose ME! We’re starting tomorrow, can’t wait to see you after work tonight <3 _I shot back a quick and enthusiastic reply, smiling to myself. I was genuinely happy for him, he had worked so hard for this, he deserved it. I sighed, knowing he would probably start sleeping two hours a night from now on to get everything done.

Later that day, though, I received a phone call as I was about to finish my afternoon shift at the coffee shop. Surprised – because seriously, who makes unannounced phone calls anymore? – I retrieved my phone from under the counter. My sister Martha.

“Jack, you have to come home, please… it’s Jemmy, he’s… He had and accident. We don’t know if he’s gonna make it…”

I remember sitting outside the backdoor of the shop, frozen for god knows how long, then walking back to my room in shock, meeting Herc in the hallway. He helped me calm down a bit, sat me down on my bed and started tossing some of my clothes into a bag. Alex came in, the giant grin he was sporting quickly fading as he took in the scene and rushed to hug me. In a few minutes I started thinking sort-of clearly again.

“I’m going to the airport and see if I can catch –“

“No, John, I’ve just checked, there won’t be any flights tonight… The weather warning, remember?” Herc informed me.

“Ok, then, I’ll drive, I’ll leave right now,” my voice cracked, panic rising in my chest at the notion that I might not get home in time.

“Wait, man, you shouldn’t drive right now, you’re still in shock and totally shaking… you shouldn’t be by yourself…” Herc was speaking softly and holding my hands, which were still trembling. “Right, Ham?”

Herc’s tone was quite sharp as he addressed Alex, and only then I noticed that Alex hadn’t said a word in several minutes now and that at some point had retreated to lean against the wall.

“I… I wish I could come with, John, but…” his voice trailed off.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” exclaimed incredulous Herc as I murmured “I know, Hammie, it’s ok…” I held my head, which felt two seconds from exploding, and quickly stood up and grabbed the bag Herc had packed.

“Wait, John, I’ll drive, just let me check if there’s a bus I can ride tomorrow to come back here, and let me call Laf…”

“No, Herc, thanks but I can do this, I’m leaving now.” I ran out of my room leaving them there, and jumped in my car.

The following hours are kind of a blur in my mind: the endless car drive to Charleston, the worried phone calls from my sister, the race to the hospital… everything shrouded in anguish, exhaustion, and fear. I got there around 9 a.m. and met my family in a cold green-and-white waiting room, anxious faces and quivering voices, except for my dad, who barely acknowledged me.

Jemmy was just out of the second surgery, in a medically induced coma, his conditions still extremely worrying. We all stayed at the hospital for a few hours, then we started to take turns to go home and (attempt to) rest. It took me long enough to remember that I left my phone in the car, I only noticed as I got behind the wheel to take my siblings home. I had a bunch of texts and missed calls from the guys and a few from the Schuylers. I shot back a quick text in the group chat, saying that I was ok and Jemmy still alive, for now. Thirty seconds later, the phone went off. Alex. He sounded frantic and worried because of my lack of update in the last 15 hours or so – I should have texted sooner and let him know I was ok, but in that moment I didn’t even have the strength to apologize.

When the call ended, the comforting feeling I was left with barely lasted the drive home. As soon as I parked in front of my childhood house, my shaky breaths and light sobs had become impossible to mask. I was at my weakest, and it just felt unbearable to handle all that on my own.

I stayed in Charleston for two weeks and left only when three different doctors assured me that my little brother was going to get better. He was finally awake, and I thanked all the gods I could think of.

As I drove back to NY, completely drained and stressed-out, conflicted emotions swelled up in my chest at the thought of being reunited with Alex. I missed him so much and I couldn’t wait to hold him again. I also felt kinda resentful, though, because I had heard so little from him since I left. It seemed that he could barely manage to find the time to talk five minutes on the phone, and my texts always got answered several hours later, at best. He was just so incredibly busy, rushing from classes to his job to his papers, and most times he had to cut our calls short. He seemed genuinely concerned about me and tried to get me to talk about the situation at home, with my dad, but he never got the time to properly do so. I sensed that he was also trying to stop himself from ranting about all the exciting new stuff with Washington’s internship, and my guess was that he was feeling guilty for not accompanying me and supporting me back home, because he knew I had needed it.

I was right, of course. I could read “guilt” written right on his forehead as I entered our room that night. He didn’t apologize, of course – he almost never does - but was extra-sweet and affectionate for a couple of days. I quickly set those annoyed feelings aside because I knew I was being selfish; I couldn’t expect him to just forget everything else and be physically there for me anytime I needed it. My relief at being together again was huge. I was glad to be back to normal and pretend that those weeks hadn’t cause a small crack in my trust in him.

Things started to get harder pretty soon: if his schedule was hectic before, now it was truly impossible. Some days I would only see him in bed, when he finally lied down around 2 or 3 a.m. and accidentally woke me up. Whenever he spent the evening in our room, he was just too caught up in his plans and ideas that he barely talked about anything else, either incredibly excited or super stressed-out. I tried to keep up with his reasonings and to discuss his points as we’ve always done, but his mind just worked too fast, and I slowly began to feel left out from his world. He was more impatient and restless than ever, clearly hating any kind of wasted time or interactions that didn’t make him progress.

I focused on my own studies and made an effort to hang out more with the rest of the group, trying to ignore the constant rumbling of thoughts in the back of my head that kept suggesting that the growing distance between me and Alex wasn’t just a matter of him being too busy. Was it my fault? Was I too needy, was I just not worth his attention? Was I worth anything at all? I was trying to think rationally but I often found myself spiraling.

Most of our friends didn’t seem to notice anything different in me or Alex, but Peggy probably understood that I needed distractions, so she got me more involved with a few activities that the Schuyler sisters were organizing on campus. Alex promised a few times to stop by at our meetings or at the events, but we knew that was unlikely at best.

“John, shit, I should have been there, I think I passed out on my laptop…”

“It’s ok, you can’t do everything, I’m just glad you wanted to come”

“You’re too sweet with me, Jackie, too good…” He looked so tired and disappointed at himself when he couldn’t keep his word, that I felt waves of sympathy and love for him at those rare displays of vulnerability. He was trying. I knew he was doing the right thing focusing on his studies and future career; that had always been his priority, after all.

After a few weeks of burying myself in extra things to do just to be outside my empty room or out of Alex’s feet when he was working, I had to admit that I only felt worse and I surrendered to the feeling of how much I missed being in the same room as him. I consciously decided to completely change my approach to the situation and let it all go to hell. I _needed_ to see him, nothing else really mattered. So I quit all the extra activities, dropped out of the volleyball team so that I could catch Alex home for one more hour a week (between his internship and his night shift at the library), started to reduce the number of my own shifts at the coffee shop.

Alex didn’t notice that I was home more often and if he did, he didn’t comment on it. My friends, on the other hand, looked almost alarmed and tried to talk me out of it. Angelica, being the captain of the volleyball team, was furious and didn’t hesitate to let me know that I was being pathetic. I didn’t care.

***

At the beginning of December, Herc planned a fancy night out with the whole gang for Laf’s birthday. It had been ages since we all managed to hang out together, and it was a big deal for our French friend, so we knew we all needed to be there. A couple of hours before the party, though, Alex barged in our room and start frantically looking for his suit.

“Wow, you’re really taking this party seriously!” I laughed.

“What? Everyone’s gonna be wearing suits - ” he mumbled distractedly, “ - besides, it’s not a party, Washington said it’s more of a -”

“What the fuck, Alex? Tonight it’s Laf’s birthday!” His stunned expression made me upset within a second. “Have you been listening to me, or to the guys for what matters, at all? Where the hell have you been this week?”

“Shit, sorry ok? Calm down, John, it’s just a party, you guys will be fine without me.” He was annoyed, at my reaction and at the fact that he messed up.

“Alex, Laf literally cried yesterday because Madison is sick and won’t be able to come… What event did you get invited to with such short notice, anyway? Is it work? Do you _have_ to be there?”

“Well, kinda… it’s a thing at Washington’s with some representatives and… he said he’d be pleased to see me there tonight…”

“Oh, ok then, you should really _please_ him, we don’t wanna disappoi – “

“Fuck you, John! I _want_ to go tonight, I don’t have to, but I’ll go cause it’s in my best interest. I can’t lose this chance just to hang out with my friends.” He stormed out, leaving me speechless.

That night I came back to our room very late, still frustrated and swaying lightly (I hadn’t been able to get hammered as planned, though, because I was meant to keep an eye on the decidedly not-sober birthday boy), and I flinched seeing Alex there in the dark, sitting cross-legged on the floor. Before I could open my mouth, he started apologizing over and over, crying. He was all over the place and kinda drunk, apparently, even though I’d never seen him that upset after a night of drinking. I tried to calm him down and maybe tell him I was sorry, that it wasn’t that bad, but it was no use. He ignored my words, kept bubbling apologies and suddenly he was kissing me, hungry and desperate. I didn’t know how to react, I couldn’t think. It just felt easier to give in and return his touches, forgetting the last few hours. After, he fell asleep almost immediately – which never happened – and I followed suit, thinking vaguely that we had to talk about it.

We never actually did, though. As I woke up the following day, Alex was still in the room, putting his jeans on. Getting closer, he gave me a hesitant smile and kissed me lightly. “Today’s a new day, right?”

“Yeah… Hammie, I’m sorry for over-reacting…”

“It’s fine, Jackie. Everything’s fine.” I know I should have tried to ask him about the dinner, try to talk about our reactions, but I didn’t want to push him.

The following week passed quickly and with the weird feeling that something was off with Alex. He made an effort to spend more time with me and with the group, being his hyper-active and brilliant self, but at the same time he seemed sort of wary of me, one moment sweet and intimate, the other nervous and ready to flee. Confused was my permanent mental state.

“You’re right, man, he does seem on edge, but maybe he’s just stressed.” Herc was trying to help, but he didn’t have a clue, same as me. “Maybe you can try and talk to him tomorrow night, he’ll be more relaxed.” The following night we were all invited at a dinner Angelica was hosting at her place – she’s the only Schuyler living off-campus, in a house that doesn't look _at all_ like the average student's place – some sort of Christmas party with all her friends, to celebrate her last year in college. The guest list was longer than a White House formal event’s, and as soon as I stepped inside, Alex holding my hand, I realized that with that crowd we could easily find a moment to talk in private without our absence being noted.

Alex looked indeed more relaxed and at ease, chatting lazily and drinking wine. At one point, he took me in another room in which a few people were dancing and he hold me, eyes closed, as a slow sweet song was playing softly. It felt like bliss. Then, he tensed and whispered “I need to talk to you”.

We found a quiet corner in the garden, and I started speaking before him.

“I need to understand what’s going on, Hammie. It feels like we’re drifting apart, and I don’t know why… I’m sorry for last week, I should’ve - ”

“I cheated on you that night.” His voice was low, but clear.

I didn’t want to believe him, but I knew it was true as soon as he said it. The way he had acted lately made more sense, now. Somehow, I wasn’t completely surprised.

His words started to flow, filling the tense silence between us. “Listen, I didn’t mean to, I know it’s no excuse, but I was mad at you, half-drunk and so fucking excited with how well the dinner was going, and I just felt the crazy need to feel free from anything… And that girl, Maria, was just there, ready to let me blow off some steam and… I don’t know why I couldn’t stop myself, John, it was a mistake…” He was ranting now, looking me in the eyes with urgency, determined to just explain everything and make me _understand_.

The worst part was that I _knew_ him, and I could somehow see how he had been feeling and why he, being the guy he is, did it. That thought made me hate myself for a moment.

“It meant nothing at all, Jackie, I swear. I needed to tell you, though, I wanted to come clean. Please John, get mad, scream at me, punch me, make me pay for it.” I could read it in his face, the fact that he was truly sorry but also convinced that he could fix this, and the fact that he seemed to take it for granted really pissed me off.

“Maybe it didn’t mean anything, but you knew perfectly well that it would’ve _hurt_ me, and you went and cheated all the same, and then you came home to me and fu-”

“I _am_ sorry, John! I felt like shit that night, and I feel guilty, but… please, don’t let this destroy us.”

We stood there in silence, in the semi-darkness of the garden, for a long time. I felt betrayed and hurt, of course, but mainly it felt as if I was standing at the edge of a precipice, as if something very wrong just became apparent, but had always been there.

“You know I won’t… I won’t let _this_ destroy us. I could even pretend that it didn’t happen, I’d do it for you, you know it… And that’s the problem.” That thought all but fuelled the anger that up to that moment was concealed under confusion and sadness, and I found myself raising my voice.

“You know that you can take anything from me, my time, my support, my forgiveness, and that I’ll gladly give it all to you, fuck it, I can’t help it! But you can’t just ignore me and put me aside whenever you want, when you’re mad at me, or you don’t need me or you just don’t have _time_. You can’t always put your needs and ambitions for the future in front of the people who are here for you today! Sometimes you just… make me feel like I can just be left behind.”

I wasn’t even completely aware of the words that were coming out of my mouth, but I couldn’t stop. “You know what, you’re the one who begged me to stay, who couldn’t bear to see me leaving, a few month ago. So maybe you _need_ me, as much as I need you, but you’re too much of a coward to admit it!”

***

Well, you already know his answer to my words, and I really don’t want to think about it again. What a mess. The stress, the lack of time and communication, the frustrating feeling of knowing we weren’t exactly supporting each other as we wanted, as well as his obsession to never fail and never show his weaknesses… The whole situation fed upon itself, increasing the distance between us.

I’ve always thought I knew the dynamic between us: he needs me to ground him, so that he’s not consumed by his own brilliant and chaotic mind, as much as I need his support, so I don’t succumb to self-hate and sadness. Now, I’m not sure anymore. Maybe we’ve been more like a crutch to each other that real support, and when things go wrong we don’t know how not to hurt each other.

It’s been a week, now, and I’m still angry at him for his reaction: he doesn’t get to be mad after what he did to me. Ok, thinking back to what happened is making me feel more hurt and miserable that furious. And, no shit, I feel guilty. I just wanted to get some perspective, but nothing feels clearer. I don’t know how to fix this or even if it can be fixed at all. I can’t believe that I haven’t spoken to Alex in 7 days, that’s never happened since we met. I miss him so much, but I’m not sure I wanna see him. I don’t think I’ve even actually told him I love him… Maybe it’s for the best. Things were easier when we were just friends, but I can’t even consider to go back to it. And it’s my fault, since I’m the one who started it.

“John?”

How is Alex here? I thought I had managed to find the most isolated corner of the campus, and yet here he is. Now. I’m not ready.

“Are you done with Eliza? Thanks for letting everybody know you found a rebound, by the way, I was starting to get worried.” Well… I guess I am still angry, after all.

“I didn’t want you to… I just needed…” He’s at a loss for words, for once. Good.

“Oh, so you actually didn’t want me to know that you two hooked up this morning? Don’t worry, I should be used to it by now. You found me, anyway, what do you want?”

He sighs, covering his face with his hands for a moment. When he speaks, he sounds as tired and sad as I feel.

“I’m sorry for earlier, I didn’t mean it to be some kind of payback or something… It’s just that, you’ve been avoiding me for days, Laf and Herc aren’t talking to me as well, I just needed somebody to…” He notices my unimpressed glance, and thankfully doesn’t finish his sentence.

He takes a deep breath, and starts again with a more determined voice. “Last week you said that we needed time apart. What do you think, now? Is any of this clearer to you? Because for me, it’s not. Look, I’m shit at relationships, I’ve always known that. It’s always been easier for me if I don’t get attached. But this was supposed to be easy! We already knew each other so well, we already cared so much for each other…”

He lets out another shaky breath, and I think that’s exactly the point. How did we manage to complicate something that at the beginning was so spontaneous and easy?

“When you were just my friend I could afford to slip up, to be careless and selfish sometimes, but now it seems that I keep hurting you just being the mess I am. I don’t want to hurt you again, but I don’t know _how_ …”

“This is never gonna work." The words just kinda slip out of my mouth, but I immediately realize they’re true.

“No, we can work this out, I can be better, I can be more present, find more time and I _swear_ I’ll never cheat on you again – “

“Alex, you were right. You don’t need me. I said you did just because I didn’t want to be the only needy pathetic mess in this couple, I guess… I loved the idea of being what you need, of being there to support you, but the truth is that I’m just a distration on your path, an obstacle, even. And realizing that, day by day, makes me feel so helpless that I…” I’m _not_ going to cry, damnit. “I’m not enough for you. You know I’m right.”

He’s looking at me with wide eyes, fidgeting like crazy, and when he speaks his voice is high and pitchy, desperate. “If _you_ are not enough, nobody will ever be! I love you, John!” A sudden sob escapes his mouth, and I can’t stop the tears at these words, knowing he’s never said that to anyone. “Why can’t it be enough? Why can’t I ever be satisfied?”

For a few interminable minutes we let each other silently cry, and I have to turn my back to resist the urge to hug him. I won’t have the strength to say anything else if I do.

“You made me live the best moments of my life, Hammie.” My voice sounds so strained it’s almost unrecognizable even to myself. “But other moments have been so tough, you know, and not in a normal way. I… I need to find the strength that I miss right now, and I can’t do it if I stay here.”

It’s so weird. Just half an hour ago I would have done anything to go back with Alex, choosing to forget and forgive. But now I see that neither of us can actually sustain a healthy relationship, no matter how much we want to.

"You need to follow the path to success you’ve laid for yourself. You will fly higher than all of us, Alex, and now you can put all your energy into that, without worrying about collateral damage.”

“I really wanted to give you my best, Jackie.” He’s looking at me with such sad eyes, that I’m tempted to wrap my arms around him and just hold him. But there’s also resignation in his look, he’s coming to the same conclusion.

“You can go back to her, you know? Eliza. I guess you always go back to her because… you just take what you need from her, without letting her close enough to get caught in your hurricane.” I meant to say that in a comforting way, but I hear my words turn bitter and I feel like a dick.

He snorts, wiping his eyes with a disheartened look. “Someday you and I will be perfect for each other, I know it. I’m giving up only for now.”

I can’t help but smiling at his stubbornness. “Maybe… For now, at least, this is goodbye.”

It may be childish and immature, but I know I can’t stay here, where I’m bound to meet him daily, where almost every friendship and activity of mine is intertwined with his life, somehow. I need to go back to a life with _no Alex_. God. It’s terrifying and at the same time vital. Thankfully, it’s almost Christmas, I can skip the last days of school and leave right now. And then… I’m gonna transfer, or go study abroad for a while, fuck if I know, but I’m going to figure something out. Stepping away from Alex right now feels like dying, as stupid as it sounds.

Before I’m too far I hear his voice again.

“Goodbye.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! Hope you enjoyed it :)  
> (And please forgive any writing mistakes, English isn't my first language, but I tried my best ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ )


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